Like a mad-raged-stirred lion this marsh of goop sprangeth from me.

Today, on the outer side of the portcullis hall I wrung my hands and wept bitterly for what hath been no little grief in many years. This morning, per chance, I perceived a piece of papyrus in my chambers that read: “This dung-sunken alabaster papyrus smellest pretty evil, Yuck!” and concludeth I someone must have scripted it and left it in my garment chest, or else someone awardeth it to me. Unconsciously, I smellest it. It containeth an enchantment that revolveth my stomach and madeth me deliver the contents of the courses I had the night before: (Red tea madeth with a blood-teabag, and warm sticky bat legs). Me, weeping full sore also remembered I hath drank along too much spring water and fresh fruit to enhance the flavour. Damn those two enhancers!!! Was this another concoction of Kila the sorceress? May it be my landlord which owed me three months of credit on my rent and wanted to evict me, or may it be the revenge of a mad gay-blood boy in his teens? I certainly will seth a watch on my chambers so that no visitor can seth neer a packet of scripted papyrus, a bomb, a lizard, a bird with severed head, a foot, two feet, a dump, a stranded animal from a shelter, etc, etc. etc. All those things are prohibited by all means and will be removed indefinitely from existence, (especially the two feet).
Note on my door from here forth scripted on a papyrus ready to send:
Queen Morgana may actually try to kidnap you and throw you on an urologist office (forth age genital alchemian and healer) by force for a prosthetic evaluation. She has heard it is specially painful and serves as a lobotomy in the weak minded. The catheter journeys inside the urethra piercing producing painful sensations on contact and creating excrutiating feelings of anguish. May the horn that you carry rot and smell, smell, smell for the rest of thy life, onto thy glory be, God Janos , and Cybeles, Ahem.